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Too Much College Exerience
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Durant, OK - As the semester progresses at Southeastern Oklahoma State University, more and more complaints are filed to the Office of Resident Life concerning the excessive college experience on campus. Officials state: “The abuse of the lifestyle cherished and applauded by youngsters for the past few decades finally took its toll. College students all around the country are protesting against the freedom and careless bliss a campus resident has to endure on a daily basis. Our small town university is no exception.” The complaints from residents are not the only indication of the problem. The Registrar’s Office reports that class attendance is at all time high and the drop-out rate bottomed out at zero, which is also a historical marker in SOSU’s 96 years of existence.

            Although the increased number of students attending classes was welcomed by professors initially, several unforeseen problems arose from the army of enthusiastic and diligent students raiding the classrooms every morning. An undisclosed faculty member of the science department admits that “giving a lecture to a few eager to learn and motivated students three times a week can be an enriching and uplifting experience but it is getting a bit old constantly having to respond to questions concerning the dynamics of plasma rays in Physics 1114. I would like to have my evenings to myself and my family and not preparing for some overachiever’s want-to-know-all questions the next day, you know.”

            An in-depth research was started to explore the roots of this epidemic on campus. An independent group of sociologists’ and human behaviorists’ findings after 3 months of strenuous study shocked the scientific world. “We conducted hundreds of interviews to gain a better understanding of the life on campus. Surprisingly, all data gathered proved to be invaluable thanks to the incredible cooperation of students”, researchers affirmed.

            A sophomore finance major from Savoy, TX, who requested his name to be withheld, agreed to talk about his grueling experiences at Southeastern. “As a freshman, I looked forward to live on campus hoping for all the socially enriching setting and liberty the college experience had to offer. I heard all about the parties and uninhibited self-indulgence that takes place on campus from the movies and friends, and since I heard my parents warn me about certain “ungodly” activities going on there, I became more anxious to experience it myself. How little I knew back then what hardships I would face! During the first semester I found out first hand how exhausting binge-drinking and promiscuous sex with different partners can be. Constantly attending parties filled with substance abuse and fun but potentially dangerous activities with only 3 hours of sleep a day made me realize how hard and demanding it is to be a reckless and irresponsible party animal. One day, when I woke up naked in a public bathroom with two girls I didn’t even know, I realized that I am wasting my youth away with fun and parties without any plans for my future. I had to get out! I had to break free from the rigid conventions of the so-called best days of my life.  I don’t know, man, I guess it was just too much for me… I needed to find something that was less of an effort. So, I decided to take a little time off and slacked off in class, you know, just studying and doing homework. I went to bed on time, volunteered at a homeless shelter and signed up for the “Keep our campus clean” committee. After a while my grades improved and I received scholarships to attend grad school later. Of course I know how society looks down on people like me, and I see the disgust in the eyes of Joe Public every day, but frankly, I don’t care. It’s my life and my body, and if I choose to do overtime to raise money for the elderly, nobody should have the right to stop me. Hey, remember, it’s college, if you don’t live a little now, what will you tell your kids later?”

            Researchers explained that this defense mechanism is not uncommon for students having to deal with the difficulty being overloaded with excitement and the pursuit of physical satisfaction. “Understanding Maslow’s theory on human needs helped us a great deal of identifying the causes of this problem. Our study indirectly indicates that college provides an environment where the students reach fulfillment on the basic levels, called physical, safety, social and the egoist needs. According to Maslow, self-fulfillment is the greatest need for a human and can only be pursued if all the levels mentioned above are fulfilled. These rebellious students are attempting to realize their potential to be able to continue their personal development.”  

            Yesterday, an emergency meeting was held at SOSU to discuss the possible hazards of this trend spreading across the country. To slow down the hazardous self-fulfillment process, the university initiated measures to decrease the quality of the education provided and put more emphasis on the egoistic, shortsighted pursuance of material happiness. As the first action of the committee, the college motto was changed from “A place which nurtures excellence” to the catchy and engaging “Hey, let’s go get shitfaced!” phrase with an overwhelming approval.