1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbors
held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't
or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,
and use foul language like a child uses
sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from
the outside world. Have
a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek,
or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current
Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come on when doors open,
Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of
40 people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom
twice a day for a four-hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean
one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you
bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
10. Listen to your favorite
CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then
play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get
back to your favorite
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your
bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting
up (about 10
inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is
four feet off the floor. Place a small dead
animal under the bed
to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals
for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and
night crew bump around and wake you
up. Place your bed on a
rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three
hours. Make use
of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire
alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave
Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage
and wait two weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all
meals blindfolded using all the spices you can
grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker
and run around shouting "fire, fire,
fire" and then restore
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to
simulate a 'black water
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
face shield with steel wool until
you can no longer see out of
it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you
are in the bathroom.
Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint
everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to
simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or
until it is hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate
a visit to another port. Go directly
to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst
looking place, and
ask for the most expensive beer that they
carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home
longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges
you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies
from a fast drip to a
weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to
95 deg C.
27. Use only
spoons that hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it
it or not.
29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, *it's* *an*
30. Mix kerosene
with your water supply to simulate the de-sal
plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match
into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.