HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive
parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle. It transforms human energy
into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.
SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16
or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room,
splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses
in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for
testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x
16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery
to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.
SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be
used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through
stubborn oil filters.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles
away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds
PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.