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Women as computer programs
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Support Question

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates
4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two
products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0
with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with
several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football
4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no

A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs
and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely
for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at
the same time, only to discover that when these two systems
detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife
1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2003.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could
be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be
deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten
about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter,
and can, without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These
latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess
what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle
Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my
resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to
try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also,
when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often

Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-
In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2004, but there
could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact
that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2004, it tends to delete all of
your Money files before uninstalling itself. Any ideas?
Dear User,
This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is
mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 1.x to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely
a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an "OPERATING
SYSTEM" and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still
convert back to Girlfriend 1.x. Hidden operating files within
your system would cause Girlfriend 1.x to emulate Wife 1.0, so
nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge
the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go
back to Girlfriend 1.x because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.x or Wife 2.0, but end up
with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual
under "Warnings - Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read
the entire section regarding general partner faults (GPF). You
must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might
occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will
be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case, avoid excessive use of the "ESC" key because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
operating system will return to normal. The system will run
smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider
buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife
1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. DO NOT, under
any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This
is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to
cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Oh and one more thing. Avoid borrowing other people's older
Girlfriend programmes because some have undetectable viruses in
them. These viruses can spread via your hard drive or floppy disk
and affect your Wife 1.0 operating system so badly that you may
end up having to purchase a completely new computer and operating