This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier, U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, and Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations
on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain
of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED
BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I
SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he
said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be
along when available. George said, Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a
few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George:
"I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his palace wondering which
country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said, "this is Archie, down 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland,
Canada. I'm callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Archie," Saddam replied, "this
is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie after a moment's calculation, "there's meself,
my cousin Harold, my next door neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
"I must tell you, Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said
Archie, "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day Archie called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Saddam asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Archie,
that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since
we last spoke."
Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang
again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We've managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Archie, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites and since we last spoke, I've increased
my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call ya back."
Archie called again the next day. "Mr. Hussein! I'm sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves
down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize that dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."