Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing
associations throughout the UK:
1. I want
some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt
his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually
banging his balls
against my fence.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside
I think it was bad wind the other night that blew
5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
7. Will you please send someone to mend the
garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are
getting married in September and
we would like it in the garden
before we move into the house.
8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the
9. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and
the rest are plain filthy.
am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout.
I am an old
age pensioner and need it badly.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much
16. The man next door has a large erection in the
which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would
a third so please send someone round to do something about
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat
and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top
of me every night.
send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of the works down
on the floor six times
but I still have no Satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken
we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has fungus growing
23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house
and I just cant take it anymore.
... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to