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When the waiter came to take our order, I asked, "What is the soup du jour?" The waiter turned to me and responded very
slowly and clearly, "It's the Soup...OF---THE---DAY."
**********
My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday.
She had gotten it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said they didn't use
the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while. After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was
a sleep timer set for 90 minutes!
**********
I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that
said "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see
the light is still red, you moron?"
**********
I work for a bank. I applied for a home loan from my employer
and have been waiting for approval for over five weeks. I found out today that it has taken this long because my loan officer
was unable to get verification of my employment.
**********
A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked
during the office renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from the side. The site supervisor came over with a
worker, pointed to the pole, and said, "That's really sharp and could hurt someone. I want it filed down." The worker reached
out, touched it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor yelled "Don't touch it!" When the worker looked at the blood welling
up, the supervisor said, "Wow, that *is* sharp!" and reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his finger in his
mouth, and walked away with the worker.
Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling. "That's what needs
to be filed down," he said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached out and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his
finger away.
Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone else could verify how sharp it was.
**********
A
courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face. He had been looking for building address number 70, and in his
words, "The street numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our building)." I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he
might try across the road.
**********
After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing
an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!
If
a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments
down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following
comment to the head office about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your
approval."
**********
One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a piece of pizza and went
to pay for it. Apparently, however, it costs more to get a piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal," which would be a piece
of pizza AND a vegetable.
The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he wanted to pay less. My friend
pointed out that there were no vegetables left in the line at this point, so he couldn't get any. The cafeteria lady proceeded
to make him wait while she went to find some corn, despite his insistence that he wouldn't eat the corn anyway. After waiting
about ten minutes, he got the corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away.
[Editor's note: Young
folks will be happy to know that people like the cafeteria lady have another name in the post-school world. They're called
"your boss."]
**********
We had a power outage during a thunderstorm. As we peered from our dark cubicles to
the outside world, my director commented that it looked like power was out for miles, since the office buildings as far as
we could see were also dark.
Our temp admin said, and I quote: "But then why are the cars running?"
**********
During
a bout of tornadic weather, a local TV newsperson standing by a roadside at 5:20 p.m. made the statement that the sky was
growing very dark, indicating that this was a sign of tornadoes approaching. Since it was January, it was also a sign that
the sun was going down.
**********
I was in my company's gift shop when I overheard one of the employees ask
her manager if she could take a break.
"I just want to go smoke a cigarette and get some fresh air."
It is worthy
to note that she followed her comment with a nice, moist-sounding cough.
I wonder if she'll ever complain that whenever
she smokes outside, the air just doesn't seem that fresh.
**********
I recently had a garage sale in which I
was selling an old beater of a motorcycle that wasn't running, for $50. An Induhvidual negotiated me down to $30 and I made
the sale. After getting the title notarized, I was making out the bill of sale when the Induvidual asks, "Can I get your phone
number too, in case I have any problems with it?"
**********
I am turning in my own mother: She used to think
that the letters of the yogurt chain, TCBY, stood for Thank God It's Yogurt.
**********
At work, a representative
for an office supply store was telling us about their line of glare screens for computer monitors. We were planning to buy
them for all the computers. About ten minutes into the presentation, one of our Induhviduals raised his hand and said, "I
thought we were going to be getting ANTI-glare screens."
I guess he was worried we would get the product that increases
the glare on your screen.
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