1. On a Continental Flight with
a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
2. On landing, the stewardess
said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd
like to have.'
3. There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.
4. 'Thank you for flying Delta
Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'
5. As the plane landed and was
coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'
6. After a particularly rough
landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.'
7. From a Southwest Airlines
employee: 'Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised.
8. In the event of a sudden loss
of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than
one small child, pick your favorite.
9. Weather at our destination
is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.'
10. 'Your seat cushions can be
used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
11. 'Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other
adults acting like children.'
12. 'As you exit the plane, make
sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.'
13. And from the pilot during
his welcome message: 'Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight!'
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines
just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt.'
15. Overheard on an American
Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
16. Another flight attendant's
comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
17. An airline pilot wrote that
on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do
you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land,
or were we shot down?'
18. After a real crusher of a
landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
19. Part of a flight attendant's
arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways.'
20. A plane was taking off from
Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if
I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee
in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!'
21. AND my favorite that I heard
myself on a Southwest Airline flight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is
on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.
|