This is for all of you who take out your frustrations on your
loved ones when you have a
really bad day. Don't take that bad
day out on someone you know; take it out on someone you DON'T
Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to
make. I found the number
and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "May I please speak to Robin
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two
digits incorrectly. After I hung up with
Robin, I spotted the
wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it
again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled,
"You're a JACKASS!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I
wrote the word
'Jackass', and put it in my desk drawer. Every
couple of weeks or so, when I was paying my bills or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a
JACKASS!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me; I would
have to stop calling
the Jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number,
then heard his voice,
"Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is
the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling
see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went,
"No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly
called him back and
said, "That's because you're a JACKASS!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story,
is to tell you
that if there is ever anything really bothering you, you can do
something about it.
it gets better.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking space. I didn't
think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly
back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally
All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the
parking isle in the wrong direction and shot into her space.
started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that,
Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed
out of his Camero and
completely ignored me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't
even hear me. I
thought to myself, this guy's a jackass. There
sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. Then I noticed that
he had a 'For Sale' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote
down the number. Then I hunted for another
place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm sitting at home at my desk. I had
just gotten off the phone after
calling my first Jackass and
yelling, "You're a JACKASS!" (It's really easy to call him now
that I have his
number on speed dial). I noticed the phone
number of the guy with the black Camero lying on my desk and
I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple of rings
someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said
the man with the black Camero for sale?" Yes, it is." "Can you
tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th
Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out
front." I said, "What's
your name?" "My name is Don Hansen."
"When is a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes" "Don,
you're a JACKASS!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung
up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dial. For a while
things seemed to be going better for
me. Now when I had a
problem I had two Jackasses to call.
Then after several months of calling the Jackasses
and hanging up
on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave
the problem some serious thought
and came up with a solution.
First, I dialed Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
yelled "You're a JACKASS!" but I didn't hang up. The
Jackass said, "Are you still there you little piece a . . ."
"Yeah, I'm still here, what are you gonna do about it?" He said,
"What's your name, pal?" I said, "Don
Hansen." He said, "Where
do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
Camero is parked out front." He said, "Boy - you'd
better start saying your prayers because you're gonna die really
soon." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, JACKASS!!!!" And I hung
up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered,
"Hello." I said,
"Hello, JACKASS!" He said, "So help me if I ever find out who
you are . . . " "You'll
what?" "I'll kick your ass!" "Well
here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, JACKASS!" And
hung up. Then I picked up the phone the third time - only this
time I called the police. I told them
my best friend was about
to kill his gay lover over on 1802 West 34th Street. I made one
final call to Channel
13 about the gang war going on at West 34th
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street
to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses
beating the shit out of each other in front
of 6 squad cars and a
police helicopter while being filmed on live television was one
of the greatest experiences
of my life!!